You just have to relax... You just have to stop 'trying'...

Here is some humor about things you should and should not say to couples struggling with infertility.

What you may not want to say to your infertile friends:

• "You just have to relax..." 
• "You just have to stop 'trying'..."

Relaxation is a great thing and a commendable practice that all human beings should practice. If you are a Christian, you should know that relaxation is biblical.

Anyway, here is the logic behind the 'relaxation' reasoning: some problems in the body are a consequence of mental illness, such as depression and such. Therefore, if you treat the mind, the body will heal automatically. Remember the refrain "a sound mind in a sound body". But here is the problem... infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor. It is not caused by stress. Please try not to ask people to relax in order to become pregnant.

Think about this: your car does not start, even though you have the key in, and you are following correctly the ignition procedure. Yet your car does not start. Just try to tell your car, "dear car, you have to stop trying", "you just have to relax". You do that and let me know if the car starts. Usually, you will try several times until you are tired of trying, and only then you will call someone for help; someone who know how to fix the car and that can really help you. I know, this is horrible example, but it is a good analogy.

Now, before you start arguing against this, let us acknowledge that there are stories, and it is likely that you know, about couples that, for a few months, tried to get pregnant, and then they just relaxed and became pregnant. Yes, we acknowledge those cases, and cherish those moments, when a child is born; it must be an awesome experience. However, people who relaxed and became pregnant were likely not infertile to begin with. So, if you know those stories, you need to know that they were likely not infertile; they probably had other issues, but not infertility. We say this with all respect, again, admiring and cherishing the moment when those who relaxed became pregnant.

This is what you could say to your infertile friends:

• "Infertility must be stressful. Would you like to go watch a movie one of these days? It may not alleviate the stress, but we can have a few minutes of distraction." 
• "You are my friends. No matter what happens, I love the two of you." 
• "I have no idea how you feel. Please let me know if there is any way I can support you."

Remember, we know you are our friend, and we know that you love us. So whatever you say, even when it hurts us, we know that you do it with the best intention. But remember the three things in the list above, and if this is how you feel inside, say it. We only want to know that, because our infertility, we are not failing you or all society for that matter. We want to know that you still consider us friends even if we never have children.

One last thing: try not to give us any advise. In all honesty, infertile couples, like us, have tried all sorts of things, things beyond imagination: from relaxation, cold/hot showers, to jumping up and down giving seven turns around and standing head-down. We love you, but try not to give advise, unless we ask you for it.

Simply give us a sincere hug; and we will know that you really care.

-OR- you could also donate to them if they are raising funds for an IVF cycle, just like us.

Peace,
Nancy and Pablo